I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it's like iHOP with fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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