Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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