and you said cock pushups were impossible
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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