I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
