I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
the raccoons are back...
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