i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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