turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
