I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
