if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
