One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
