smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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