I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sobbing to NWA
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
