Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
