my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
