I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
