my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
