Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
