highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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