im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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