Pants 0. Shit 1.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
