When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
