Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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