i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
