its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
