did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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