Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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