Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this will be a night to untag.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
