Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
A bitchslap is in order.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
