Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
