Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
