I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
