she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
