I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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