How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
