i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
