evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
