I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
