wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
