my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
