is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When are your genitals available?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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