somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
