You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
