i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
