I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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