I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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