So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
