Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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