did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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