well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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