great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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