There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
