listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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