she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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