I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
