Swine flu. Run for my life!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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